
On Forgiving Yourself
Hi friends! I know I haven’t written a more personal post in awhile so thank you for so patiently bearing with me. The truth is that I’ve been busy living and and putting all of that newfound wisdom to good use! I’ve also been devouring self-help books like crazy and can’t wait to share a few with you. But for today, a topic that I’ve come face to face with more of late and am anxious to work out on the page, so to speak: forgiveness. It’s a funny thing, really. We cover forgiveness in-depth as children and young adults, learning how to let go of friends who wronged us on the playground, parents who weren’t perfect, boyfriends who left us for the homeroom heart throb.
But forgiveness comes a lot harder as life gets harder and, unfortunately, gets brushed under the rug like a dustball we’d rather to ignore. We don’t talk about it at cocktail parties because that would require re-living the pain someone caused us. We hesitate to ask for it because that would mean admitting we were wrong and are flawed and that makes us vulnerable. Then there’s the flipside of forgiveness, where we give it too freely and set ourselves on a path of repeated hurt. I tend to fall into this camp, of being all too quick to forgive others, assuming that I was somehow to blame or didn’t “deserve” better, and far too slow to forgive myself. It doesn’t take anything monumental either. Ordering a non-returnable rug from One Kings Lane that’s ALL WRONG for the guest room can send me into a tailspin. Spacing a friend’s birthday or writing a sloppy email because I’m exhausted and over-extended is grounds for self-flagellation. Passing up a job opportunity for fear of failure, staying in a relationship for too long because something is better than nothing, or withdrawing from my partner when anxiety gets the better of me….those are transgressions I can ruminate on for days or even years if I don’t allow myself the same grace I so easily give others.
Regardless of whether you struggle to forgive someone who has caused you harm, or whether that someone is you, you won’t find peace until you forgive. That doesn’t mean you forget (fool me once…), it means honoring that we are all doing the best we can in any given moment. Every experience, no matter how painful, is a reflection of where you are in life and what you still need to learn. Forgiving someone or yourself means holding space to do the work and make those positive, often overdue changes (you know, the ones you’ve been avoiding your whole life). Abandoning or judging anyone during a breakdown stifles the potential for a breakthrough. It’s scary stuff, letting go of control, letting someone back in, giving yourself another chance to be the person you want to be. But living from a place of love, not fear, is the only way forward.
Agreed, great post! I definitely think forgiveness is something that is a lot easier to give to others than myself. I also find it difficult to move past situations when the person I feel I need to forgive doesn’t seem to acknowledge any wrongdoing. It makes me feel a little crazy, I think trusting your own judgement and accepting that you can’t ultimately change people goes a long way in realising who is worthy of forgiveness and who maybe just isn’t the person you thought they were. Any book recs? Thank you for sharing x
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Thank you, Kiran! Those people are the most difficult to forgive, but agree: you can only control yourself and how you choose to live and be in the world. A healer once taught me to say (to myself) about people like that: I wish you well. And then release it! As for books, I’m always a fan of Brene Brown in terms of self love and acceptance. I’m also super in to Gabby Bernstein these days if you enjoy the spiritual side of things!
Letting love triumph over fear is hard but I think it is the only way to be truly happy. Great post!
Your are so right and too kind, Amanda! Love is sort of everything isn’t it? We just let fears and worry get in the way of that flow. Working on it every day!
This time of year always brings about sadness for me and is a constant reminder of the people that broke my heart. I was raised a Christian and my parents always say forgive/forget. I tried that but there are some people in your life that go out of their way to harm us. I am short on forgiveness these days but I try to live with an open heart and make the effort to give people the benefit of the doubt. Great post, by the way!
Leave it to you, Rose, to shed new light on a topic! I hear you, and am hurting for you because it’s SO HARD to release this stuff. All I know is that forgiveness is something you do for yourself. It’s ultimately not about the other person. You can learn from them, and learn about yourself through them (our relationships are mirrors, in many cases), but you get to decide what and who brings you peace. I hope you find it, friend, because you are such a bright light and I am grateful for your vulnerability as always! XO
Your words warm my heart!
This topic really hit a tender spot for me. We all seem to be so unforgiving of our own selves. I’m still ashamed of something I did when I will 24 and I’m now 65…it just makes me cringe. And, when I shine a little light of reality on it, it just wasn’t that big of a deal. One thing I try to ask myself is, “If someone else had done this ‘bad’ thing, would I forgive them?” The answer has always been yes I would forgive. Why can’t I be just as forgiving of myself? Still working on it…
Christine, I know it may not feel like it to you, but sharing this story is so very beautiful. Because naming it, the thing that you feel shame about, is where the healing begins. We all have cringe-worthy moments in our past. I try to remember that I was doing the best I could then. And my intentions were in the right place. But I love your practice of putting yourself in the someone else’s shoes. We are so darn hard on ourselves but place everyone else on a pedestal. I can tell you this: You needed to go through whatever you went through at 24 so that you could become the person you’re supposed to be. Celebrate that! And give yourself a hug for me!
Girl- so timely. I can very much relate (unfortunately). Especially on the ‘not so monumental’ mistakes I’ve made- like a parking ticket a week ago. Hard to ‘let it go,’ but I imagine it’s no coincidence I happened upon your essay today. No wonder my stomach has been burning! Yeeesh! So, thank YOU!!!
Here here. You must forgive yourself FIRST luv. You deserve it more than any one. Don’t look at forgiving too easy as a fault. It tells you something about who you are (a loving person). I have a book recommendation if you’re interested. You can find it free as a pdf online. It has a silly name, but the info is life changing. It’s called “A Happy Pocket Full of Money”. Silly title, great book. Google the title, and the pdf version is in the first few results. Great post and thanks.