
What Holds You Together?
Last week, my 90 year old grandmother had a massive stroke. By the next day she had made a miraculous recovery—beyond what her medical staff had ever seen for a stroke of that proportion or a patient her age. She will still need a bit of rehab to get her brain and strength back to full capacity, but the woman who gave me my sass and sweet tooth is all there and ready for another piece of chocolate, thank you very much. I witness strokes of luck every day, but this was a GD miracle. I laughed and cried and jumped up and down right there at the 7th floor nurses’ station. Which is why it’s so hard for me to admit that when I got the call about her being in the hospital, my first thought wasn’t oh my god, my poor sweet grandmother but oh my god, what if I can’t go on our vacation next week?
It was fleeting, but the sheer selfishness sent me into a guilt spiral. I adore and love my grandmother deeply. She took care of me when my mom went back to work. She has been a warm hug and a mischievous giggle and a constant cheerleader for me even when she doesn’t know what to do with my nutty life. She has never judged me, only loved and accepted me unconditionally. So why was my first thought for myself?
Slumped on my therapist’s couch in tears, I asked the question. Her response: “None of this sounds selfish. It sounds like traveling with your boyfriend is one of the things that holds you together.”
Holds me together. I had used the phrase before, but always with an undercurrent of shame. As if needing something or someone to keep it all together was a sign of weakness or failure, not a natural human condition.
“What else holds you together?” she asked.
Meditation. Long walks with the dog. Friends and family. My amazing co-workers. Music. Rest. Baths. A good book. Sunlight. Cooking a healthy meal. And yes, getting out of town for some quality time with my partner.
I was beginning to see. These everyday gifts—not just the exciting or the grand—they count for a lot. They ground us and support our well-being. Especially when we are hanging on by a thread. The things that hold us together need to be nurtured, not written off as nice-to-haves. Once I understood the reason for my panic, I was able to release the guilt and be fully present with my grandmother in the hospital. She thinks she’s the patient, when she’s really the one holding me together.
What holds you together?
So glad your grandma is recovering well! Thank you for the reminder to nurture what often feels like luxuries. As a new-ish mom, I haven’t placed nearly enough value on this, and it shows. Starting to find myself again, and your words help.
What an awesome post, well said….well said….:)
thank you for writing and sharing. xo
Wow, this really hit home today. My mother took a bad fall and is laid up with broken bones, and is needing a lot of help right now, but I still plan to take a trip to Europe in a couple weeks that I’ve been planning all year. I have a lot of guilt around this, but I don’t think it would be good for either Mom or I if I cancelled the trip. Hang in there and I’m very sorry about your grandma.
I’m so sorry to hear about your mother, Lisa. I heard from a number of friends and readers in the same predicament and they would all agree: you should go and your mom wants you to!
Oh yes, it’s definitely the little things!
I am happy to hear Gramma is well! Thanks for sharing an inspirational message too ~ I have work to do on this for myself!! Now go enjoy that vaca!
THANK YOU all for the kind words and thoughts! I had no idea this guilt was a thing, and you’ve made me feel so much lighter. XOXO
Oh Elizabeth, We have all had the very same thoughts! You are not alone. You are very brave to speak the truth. Thank you. Have a wonderful trip with your special guy.
Bets, the other piece of this is finding the answer to te question “what if I can’t go on vacation next week?”. What if? What if ? And being ok with rolling with the unexpected. I think part of why you asked yourself that is coming from the planner part of yourself, “but its planned, its all set…I can’t change plans…” NOT from being selfish. But part of what holds you together is having some predictability in life. And its true or so many of us. And we all know, and YOU know, that if Gramma needed you, you’d be right there for her. That was never in doubt. You’re a loving kind human being and learning to roll with change is part of this journey too.
Jaime, I hadn’t thought of that but it’s very true: When life feels in flux as it does right now, I cling all the more to the things I think I can control. Of course the universe has other plans…Definitely a work in progress, this going with the flow, when I so want answers and a plan and to KNOW that it’s all going to work out in the end. But all we have is right now and the more present I get the easier it becomes. Thank you for your wise and patient words, as always!
I never thought of it that way.. Thanks for enlightening me with this post! Maybe sometimes, the things that we consider to be selfish are exactly the things that we need 🙂