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July 12, 2015

Perfectly Imperfect

Perfectly Imperfect

Today I turned 38. It was the best kind of day, abundant with people I love, loving me right back so fiercely and unconditionally that I know I’ve done something right in the life. I’m okay with my age (ask me again at 40!), but after nearly four decades I’m getting less and less okay with the fact that I don’t love myself. Just typing those works makes me shudder because self-love is such a strange and uncomfortable concept to me, one that I can endlessly and with ease impress upon all of you and my friends and family, but which I’ve dodged in my inner world. Maybe that’s partly why I dole it out to everyone else, like a psychologist who can’t take her own advice. I don’t know where this feeling of unworthiness comes from. Certainly not from lack of love or acceptance, save those mean girls in middle school and a few unrequited crushes in high school. But for as long as I can remember I have beat myself for not being good enough at just about, well, everything. Not smart enough, thin enough, fit enough, successful enough. Not disciplined enough, creative enough, ambitious enough. I don’t take good enough instagram photos or decorate like a pro. I sometimes wear outfits that I hate by 10 a.m., I have bad hair days all the time, and I eat entire orders of cream cheese wontons all by myself. I look at this list and think oh. my god. you would never expect this kind of perfection from anyone else so why yourself? I’m not completely sure. Maybe I think you’ll love me more if I am and can do all of these things flawlessly? Maybe I’m looking for validation and perfection is the only way I think I’ll get it? It’s such a gross and self-absorbed perspective—what a luxury to worry about me, me, me!—and yet I can’t seem to shut it off completely. But I must. It’s time. In striving for the impossible I’ve made myself miserable. Not all of the time, honestly. I’m actually the happiest I’ve ever been! But I’d prefer to thrive, not just survive, and to find self-acceptance, imperfections and all (no that’s just not a gratuitous bikini shot below!). Before the year is out, I’m committed to believing that all of the good things in my life aren’t a product of perfection, but of honoring highest myself, who only wants to love and be loved.

betsbikini

P.S. I’m so very grateful to all of you who reached out after last week’s post, Those conversations inspire and your unique perspectives truly help me, you have no idea!

  • Elizabeth Dehn
    ABOUT ELIZABETH
    Born and raised in Minnesota by surprisingly low-maintenance parents, beauty writer and lifestyle editor Elizabeth Dehn (aka Bets) spent her awkward years buying Mood lipstick and whipping up DIY face masks before founding Beauty Bets in 2009.
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